Choosing Hope

September is a month known for new beginnings and change.  It is also the month in which my family mourns the loss of both of my brothers.  Bryan, who is always remembered on September 7th and Scot who is now remembered on September 19th. 

One year after losing my second brother and I am just beginning to realize that he is actually gone forever.  I am struggling to recall the sound of his laughter, the warmth of his smile.  One year after losing Scot I am trying to keep the memory of him alive.  One year has gone on without him and I am still here.  It's difficult, but that is the part that I must remember.  I am still here.

That is what any of those who have lost someone close to them must remember.  While each day will be different without them, we must continue to live on.  We are still here and we have to strive to be present in our own lives. As another soul whom, sadly we also mourn this month would say "Carpe Diem."  

This past year has taught me a great deal about myself.  It has been one of tremendous personal growth.  I have gone through some difficult times, yet I just recently realized that still I rise.  What allows me to carry on is simple, but it took me a while to let it surface.  It is hope. 

I came to realize that when it feels like everything in life is out of our control worry does nothing.  It is hope that gives us light.  Hope is a cognitive choice.  Some, like me, have to train their minds to choose hope over worry. Sometimes it is not easy.

I view hope as an exercise.   I have to work at it, train to seek it.  Sometimes it can be as hard as a running a marathon, but still I choose it.  I have come to see it as a brave choice.  One that I can make regardless of the circumstances. Hope is a verb.  It is an action.  It is not a chair to sit on while we passively wait for things to get better.  It is something I can do. Something I can choose in spite of my circumstances.   I think that especially when things look the most bleak it is the most important time to choose hope.

I cannot make sense of what has happened, nor can I worry about what is to come. Instead I choose to hope. I hope for peace, for love and for strength. I hope to live on in a way that would make siblings proud.